Author: maysaActual

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am so tired.
I have accepted an offer as a Data Engineer Intern at RedHat this summer.
After 60+ applications; 2+ interviews a week for a month and a half.
I am so tired.

I don’t much care for the movie Up.
Not that I’ve seen it recently.
I just am sad to see the loss of loved ones.
A famous figure in magic died recently.
They are releasing a secret lair in honor of him: sheldon’s spellbook.
Sol ring is in it, fashioned after his wedding ring.
In a video by gavin, he talks about how sheldon loved his wife very much.
As he grew ill with cancer, she took care of him.
Yet he died, because cancer doesn’t always care if someone takes care of you.

Today I took my first L of the semester.
I just turned in homework for STOR 415 that I know is mostly wrong.
I have not paid attention in class, and it shows.
I did not know how to do that homework.
I will lock in.
This is a catalyst for me.
I also had my second PRP appointment.
Its strange having my blood taken from me only to be injected back in.
But I seem to be responding super well!
I didn’t go to FNM or a party today, because I had homework.
So basically I need to plan better in the future.

But I had such a great long weekend.
Well i rotted one day, but we had four.
I went up to virginia with catherine and stayed the night.
We hiked and climbed an abandoned fire tower.
My fam watched the Superbowl the next day.
Taylor Swift was heavily mentioned.
Goodnight pucka pee.
I might draw, love you.

reading over this: i write a lot like mom.

Hello.
I just read back the last bit, and it’s interesting.
Dad had another heart attack.
Again, a freak incident.
That was really hard for you and logan.
I went to Gabos and cried when he went to the hospital for the 4th time.
I thought he was going to die.
That was winter break.
Its now almost finals week at UNC.
The work still isn’t bad.
I’m in a horrible slump.
I “broke up” with Anna; it got too real and you didn’t love her enough.
It was hard and I am sad about it.
I rebounded into Foster; which was a fuck up.
Alex is mad at me right now; I will leave lenoir soon to talk to him about it.
We have been so happy together of late.
Lots of late night epiphanies.
You have honestly not been doing great; unsure why.
Unclear why I’m saying you; I have always said I on this page.
Anyway.
This summer looks exciting.
Hopefully you get up to something.
Plan is to go to Mexico with some UDEM program thing, but it might not fire.
Hopefully you can go with gabo instead if so.
I have more to say but it will wait.
Talking to Alex now.
Love you forever.

I am in english chilling again.
The election was yesterday; there was no red wave.
It looks like dems might continue to hold the senate.
Georgia probably goes into a runoff.
I called Gabo today and we talked.
He really likes college in Wisconsin.
We watched monty python and the holy grail; I was sad last night.
I’m better now.
My dad called me in class and I got a little stressed.
He’s fine tho; just figuring out thanksgiving plans!
I’m so excited for everyone to come back.
Even paolo is flying in from Arizona!
Olivia is picking me up in an hour; ill have more to spreadsheet.
I have not done as much home work as I should have.
Life is good; my fit is bad.

I am currently in english 105i.
The i is because its a science focused class.
Do i want to go into bio? no.
But when I signed up for classes I had no idea what I wanted to do.
I am currently aiming for Comp Sci and STOR.
The data science program hasn’t gotten off the ground at UNC yet.
I have a 15 page paper due for my policy class next monday.
I do not love policy.
I am rather tired.
But I do love spreadsheets.
I’m thinking I might journal in paper; a more emotional outlet than this objective source.
There is a basketball game today, but I don’t plan on going.
I want to finish my English HW, i fell behind with dad in the hospital.
I also plan on running, hopefully Claire will be there.
Claire just ended her situationship with her girlfriend; so shes running more now.
I like the people at marathon club.
After that I might text hannah, she tried to talk to me but I was in the hospital.
I don’t want to be lonely, alex carlisle sarah owen neha and satchel are all going to the game.
I need to go to bed early regardless.

Dad will be leaving the hospital today.
He had a freak heart attack friday; it is now sunday.
We apparently have a genetic predisposition; he is so healthy.
He will have to take pills for the rest of his life.
I know how much he’ll hate that.
I’m so sad that the man that avoids medicine at all costs now has to take pills till he dies.
I’m so happy he is alive.
He is my hero.
1/3 of people who had what he had don’t make it to the hospital.
Every time I get in a car I cry.
It’s easier to cry in a car; I just want him to be okay and safe.
Hospitals are scary, and so is uncertainty.
He’s so healthy; this shouldn’t happen to him.
I guess I came back to the site to write about how I’m feeling.
For some reason, I can only journal online effectively (see Pisssquid).
I doubt anyone still reads this; I hope they don’t.
I love UNC, its so fun.
I love my friends here.
I call Gabo sometimes; not enough.
I miss the years of relationships I had.
I miss paolo, gabo, logan.
My new friends are godsends and I love them so much.
But we’ve only known each other for a few months.
Its been like a month or two since franka and I broke up.
I miss her too.
That still hurts.
I hope we end up being friends; I do love her as a person so much.
My classes are going well; it is not that hard.
I should be studying for a midterm right now, but I’m not worried.
I got a 99.5% last time for this class: STOR.
Hookups are exciting but I far prefer the deep intimate connection of love.
I am unwilling to fall in love any time soon tho.
I am tired of falling in love.
I need time to myself; not my strength.
Almost every night Alex says “Ya know, today was a good day.”
He is the best.
And every day is a good day.
Most days at least.
I miss VI too.
I’d never had a friend die.
I wondered why she never answered my snap.
She died the day after franka and I broke up.
Certain things have been hard this year; its easy to harp on those.
Especially as I’m concerned over my dads health.
But honestly I love college and I love my life.
I’ve had such a good time and I’m ready for 7 more semesters.
I hope you hear from me soon, or maybe not.
With an abundance of love.
-Arden (That’s been my name for quite some time now, and I prefer it)

I return.
I’ve been in davis studying.
Except I have not been studying.
I went to UMAPALOOZA; my calc teacher (Mark McCombs) booling out with his dog (Uma).
He talked about how he had a heart attack young; and how his brother died from one.
Genetic predisposition is a bitch.
I must be careful of pain in my arm when I reach 40-50.
I still listen to hyperpop.
Faker lost worlds, but we saw him at Semi’s in Atlanta.
Logan has COVID.
I feel a little beaten down; my family is struggling.
We will be okay; just give it a week.
Until i write again.

Monday; classes were slow.
Took a english test.
Those who read SparkNotes did better than those who read the book.
This was after the teacher said the test was SparkNotes proof.
Day then just ambled by.
I am flooded in work.
For the first time in my life I have to study and try.
I am doing hours of work.
Yesterday I did like 6 hours of work; it sucked.
But I am a national merrit semifinalist!
Which just adds more work to my plate.
I miss Eloise: she just came back from her grandmothers 80th birthday.
Ate ribs; called Addis.

I’m not sure how long it’s been.
I’m in school now; it’s my senior year.
I’m mostly happy given the world.
I have a lot more homework than before.
I’ve dated Eloise for nearly 13 months.
We’ve been to Boone, camping, new york.
I love my friends, I play magic with Gabo Paolo and Julian regularly.
I am running hard; today we ran at Brumley.
I’m trying to be solid varsity; I’m very close.
Lil Nas X dropped his album yesterday; I still listen to mostly hyperpop.
Ampa and Leslie came down for like 4 hours; dissapointing.
I’m doing homework now; calc fucks.
I hope to see you soon; much love <4.

Sunday; run with the little kids.
They were rather demonic today.
Did my Spanish HW; so much D&D.
TSA [technology student association] meeting in the middle of D&D.
Went to Wilson with Eloise.
Long walk to the drain pipe.
Top Bot switch for safety.
I am no longer nearly as afraid.
It was cold; my hands were cold.
We cuddled and then went home.
Ate dinner.
Watched the SNL skits; they just came back due to corona.
They made very tasteful jokes about Trump getting infected by what he mocked as a hoax.
Played League; texted Eloise.
Slept.

The weekend.
Did my English homework.
Mom got biscuits; Leyla called me.
Did all the work; ate lunch.
Brought a skirt and nail polish to see my friends.
Julian painted his nails.
I left for a bit to talk to Eloise.
Anniversaries; we talked on the train tracks.
She was unresponsive for a long while but finally, we talked.
She’s having a time.
I went back and Lucus Daley told me not to go into the parking deck; police were flushing the place.
He was high.
My car was on the 3rd story.
She went back home and a met up with my friends again.
We went and got some food.
Went back to the deck- I sat in my trunk while we talked.
Then we went to the roof of the deck.
Watched the sunset took pics; and talked.
We all took the BDSM test again; I didn’t hide anything.
Ate Cham Thai; played league.
Went to bed.

I write this on the fourth; I’m procrastinating from work.
This Friday was terrible.
Eloise was sad; which in turn made me sad.
She wasn’t very communicative; unlike usual.
She says she thought nothing was wrong; that was untrue.
In whatever case; she wasn’t very nice to me and I got sad.
I got through my classes and stressed about work.
I did some work.
Went to the first Poet Society meeting.
I cooked Fettuccine Alfredo for dinner and went to run at 5.
When I got there I realized they moved the run up to 4.
I was just sad and empty; not from that; I just was.
I texted Lola and asked if I could pop on by.
I ended up skipping running and just had an emotional dump.
I feel many emotions; it was good to talk them out.
I was still sad but it helped a lot; we talked for roughly 2 hours.
I drove home; told my parents I stopped by Lola’s after running.
I ate; took a shower; watched a show; played league.
In that time Eloise opened up and we had a really good talk.
I don’t things are better; but its that time of year.
At around 10 I got online with Julian, Lola, Tatum, Zoe, and Vock.
We played Among Us and talked.
I went to bed at 1:30 feeling much better.

Woke early; as is becoming customary.
Theatre was fun.
Was rather unproductive in the 1:15 free time periods between class.
But I got through the 4 classes today; sexy as can be.
Homework; left to run.
Got the crown from Joan.
I got the award for my dedication and teamplay during the mile.
She said I was like a train car connecter for the team; binding us all together.
She said I was key to the team; I was like a assistant coach.
It was so nice.
We ran.
Went home.
Bratwurst and pesto pasta.
Played League of Legends; texted Eloise.

This is my one-month anniversary dating Eloise.

Woke up hella early; ran with the kids.
Got the green.
Did Spanish and Earth Science.
Ate a frozen pizza.
Put on a throwback outfit.
The fit was: all black, skinny jeans, V-neck.
Updated parts: chains; joe exotic type jacket, bullet belt.
Reminded me of middle school.
Went to see my friends.
Walked to CVS for no reason.
Went to the other CVS; I got nothing.
We went and sat on the 3rd floor of the parking deck.
Took many pics.
Returned to CVS; got a coconut berry red bull.
First energy drink ive ever bought.
Very mid; ill stick to tea.
We sat on the train tracks.
It was really nice; Lola threw rocks at me.
Talked about school and the like.
Eloise came by for the second time of the day.
I said hi; we talked about her mom; prom pose <3.
Went back to the parking deck for the sunset.
Eloise came a bit later; with her friend.
We mingled a lil.
Julian talked to Eloise, Ann Marie and I; the girls did not.
Lola and Eloise are both afraid of eachother.
They are scarily similar.
It was really nice; all in all a good day.
I went home at 8; played league.
Prepared for school tomorrow.

Side note: we are all wearing masks. I have not huged my friends since March 15th. The only exeption to this rule is S/Os. For me Eloise. For Lola Annie.
Lots of people arnt distancing as well as us.

Did my school work.
Did my school work.
Stressed; ate.
Ran our mile time trial.
Ran a 4:58.7!!!
First time sub 5.
Ate pizza; stole a traffic cone.
Left McDougle.
Was informed Ruth Bader Ginsburg died.
My mom screamed.
My dad said this was worse than the pandemic.
The american experiment was fun.
See you in fascism.
Hedging my bets on dieing by 45.

Why will I die?
Idk…
Global warming or being gay.

I woke up to an alarm for a run I didn’t have.
I wished Logan a happy birthday; gave her my present.
They were 2 pairs of earrings that hopefully I can one day steal.
Mom made me an onion bagel.
Grinded my homework.
Went to the doctors.

“Are you sexually active?”
“no”
“Do you prefer Male or Female partners?”
“both”
” … are you sexually active?”

Go my balls felt; that sucked.
Got a meningitis shot; heart rate was at 90 bpm.
My resting heart rate is 52.
Maybe repeatedly giving myself poison ivy on my hands.
Rushed home and ate; Dave Mabe’s red bean soup.
Went to Wilson to see Eloise.
Drove to park by McDougle; flexed my stickshift driving.
Chilled at the creek by the bridge.
Mentioned worries over what she would do if we broke up.
Many tears; she broke a spider web.
Later we cuddled on some rocks in the middle of the creek; watched Isopods <3.
Bite bite mania.
Drank Inca Cola.
Drove to weaver area; parked at community works.
Got chocolate and rebull; she’s on her period.
Talked; took many cute pics.
Drove back to Wilson; filmed TikToks.
Went home; ran.
Came home; didn’t eat dinner.
Logan had her birthday cake.
Played league.
Setting up computer and syncing phone.
You’ve yet to eat the cake; but you did eat dinner.

This was an action-packed weekend; but ill hopefully return to daily entries.
I woke up super early to run with the kids: Baxter, Carmen, Sadie, and Nala (Sam missed.)
I went home; had a bagel.
Did a little work and saw my friends.
It was a blast; these 5 are our core.
Pasted my rumors to see Eloise.
Drank tea and hugged.
Parking decks and fits.
I love Lola and Julian like nothing else.
Very much and very differently.
Chipotle.
We ran into: Cannon, Whitby, Cosmo, Dominic, Walker, Raina, Leyla, and Hadley.
It was wild, it’s so good to talk to my friends.
Emotions conflicted.

For future me: Virgo has been the last past week. We chose stasis.

Biked in the morning to buy Eloise a Coconut Berry Red Bull.
Did some of my homework.
Drove logan to Ginny’s.
Drove to Wilson.
Drove to another Park.
Walked around without direction.
Sat beneath a tree.
Mentioned me blocking her; silence for 40 minutes.
Improved comunication.
Happy sexy time; very comfortable.
Walked back; she lost her shawl.
I ran back about 1k and found it.
Rushed to run; abs.
Realized I had forgotten to eat lunch.
Eat; bath; league; simp.

The “Break”: Misinformation was rampant. School was canceled, then on break, then going back next week in the span of a conversation. At the track meet, someone yelled, “we just got the call!” We went to school the next day. People couldn’t decide if Friday the 13th was our last day for the year. All my friends convinced our parents to have a sleepover on the 14th. They were cautious but not strictly distancing, yet. We all went to Zoe’s. We ate and drank. We all slept in the same beds and stayed in one room. We talked about what we thought about Corona. Julian said we were done for the year. Lola was in denial. My mom, a doctor, had said life was going to be different for the next couple years, so that’s the stance I took. But it didn’t matter that night. It wasn’t even the focus. We had a spring break early, and that got me and Victoria out of a math assignment, so we were happy.

Emotional Deception: School had ended, no teachers assigned anything. I had two easy AP tests that I was set up to do well on. I wasn’t seeing my friends ever. I started staying up till 2 on calls. I always go to bed near midnight, if not eleven. My parents couldn’t even complain, I had nothing to get up for. Life was grey, I was tired and emotionally drained. I drowned out my sadness by starting conversations with random highschoolers around the world. My snap score was increasing at an unimaginable rate. I had no commitments and nothing to do.

Building Rhythm: I signed up for internships. The ones I had set up were canceled. I started to work on those. I played video games with my friends. We restarted D&D. I went down to parking decks with my friends and we’d sit in a big circle with masks and talk. We’d talk about how we felt. We’d talk about the weather. A lot of the time there was nothing to talk about. Cross County summer training started. Every day at 6 I’d run with some of the boys. I went to bed on time, woke up early. I ate eggs and programmed for my internships. I saw my friends on the weekend. I did a virtual mock trial camp. I had something to live for again. I stopped talking to people I didn’t know online, and I got happier again. I’d wake up, eat, work, eat, work, run, eat, play league, text friends, sleep. Everyday. The monotony got to me. But at least I had something to do.

A New Year: School was about to start, my internships finished. I started texting a girl I met last year on Halloween. She went to East; she made me laugh. I saw my friends more. We bought bubble tea. School started. It was different. I lost all the socializing aspects. Now I sit in front of a screen and try to manage my time. I see the girl, now my girlfriend about once a week, I wish it was more. I see my friends once a week, I wish it was more. I wish I could hug them, and cuddle like we used to. Talking about our feelings and laughing helps anyway. Now as I write this I note it’s terribly bleak. I’m not particularly sad right now, but the quality of my life is so much worse than it once was. It’s a new school year. I will use it the best I can.

The 4th of July.

My world.
This may be the second 4th of July I have ever spent in North Carolina.
After the age of four we would always travel.
Often there were big displays where ever we were.
This year I was watching the fire and happy.
I heard my dad say he was sad; thinking of all the places we’ve been and have been during this time.
I’m now melancholy.
I don’t miss leaving.
I miss normality.
I wanna see real fireworks; not the dinky stay on the ground and spark kind.
I wanna watch them with my friends and laugh.
Instead I sit with a bunch of kids half a decade younger than I.
I am touch starved.
I just want a normal summer and a normal junior year.
Both impossibilities.
Most of the time I’m happy- I only write here when I’m sad.
The rest of the world.
Large swaths of people are not celebrating this year.
This is thanks to the political hell that the US is right now.

Today was good.
It felt like super American and nice.
I helped my dad put together lawn furniture on the porch.
Our neighbors delivered an apple pie to us.
They did it as a thanks for an extra desk we gave them.
Which seemed ripped straight outta some decade past American Dream.
It made me happy.
Then we played badminton with neighbors and chatted after dinner.
This was a dream day; it had like a cultural happiness of summer to it.
Sadly:
*We built that patio furniture to have people over while staying safely distanced outside.
*We gave the neighbors the desk because they are now forced to work from home.
*We sanitized the rackets and social distanced as we played.

So while as life almost seems normal; the undertones are sad.
Today was good only because so many others are not.
I hope to see my friends soon; our planning is rather shit.

Woke up early because I went to bed the same.
Did all my school work in 40 something minutes.
Due to my doing the tiniest bit of my AP comp sci project yesterday I elected to not do any today.
I ran.
I supposed to run the mile tomorrow.
I played league.
We ate thai.
We played league.
Got in a fight with Gabo but I think we resolved it.
God I fucking love him.
I’m super sad rn tho.
And angry; so fucking angry.
I don’t like isolation.

Also, little bird or whatever dumbass code name I gave her last keeps vague posting about me on her story.
I’m not sure if she’s aware that she is; or how obvious it is.
But I’m really done with the childishness, I think about her for 20 seconds when I see my story.
Then I move on to better things that didn’t make me so fucking frustrated.

Honestly now I’m just raging about her instead of whatever I complained about last.
I’m unhappy alone.
See my friends just reminds me that life isn’t normal.
I want to have a convo that’s not about corona but I can’t.
I want my AP tests to disappear and I never want to run the mile.
But more than that I want to succeed at the previous two things.

I’m tired of corona, its fine almost all the time; my emotions catch up to me at night and here I am.

Woke up.
Morning routine.
We now have a basement food bunker thing.
I did all my school work.
My sister vacuum-packed chicken with dad.
This is to help from freezer burn.
My parents are dating our food and are creating a supply in case shit goes more sideways.
I don’t like to hear them prepare; it stresses me.
I’m also proud tho; they’re such preppers.
I think I’ll run the mile again tomorrow.
Played League.

We’ve cut a hole in our wall in the basement.
Now we have a secret food bunker.
It wasn’t me.
Sweet Caroline.
Cephalopod.
Quarantine is wild.
Played League with the boys a bunch.
Saw Gabo, Marcos, and Todd.
Went out to pick up Thai food.
Not great; its fine tho.

I just roped 4 people into playing League of Legends.
This is a Monday- we played the days before as well.
I got ahead in some classes, just did pretty well.
Played so much league; a blast.
Ran fast.
Ate spaghetti.
Played League.
Called Jue Jue.
Snapped Collin.
Fell Asleep.

Jue Jue’s birthday.
This is being written after the fact.
Woke up made the oatmeal fudge.
Waxed the card and eventually drove over; 2:42.
Julian and I arrived at the exact same time.
We talked for an hour and Julian left; I stayed for a bit longer.
Overall a good day.

Happy Birthday, Jue Jue.

Woke up early; got very little sleep.
Felt great tho.
Wrote Jue Jue a lovely letter.
Roped Gabo, Marcos, and Paolo into playing League.
Ran in the middle of games; 6:25 pace.
About 4-5 hours of games in total.
Ate pork.
Went on an after dinner walk.
Watched money heist; we watch it in Spanish.
Played one game of League; fed so bad.
Called Jue Jue; edited the photos for her birthday post.

Started my AP comp sci project.
Mom came home; corona is in the hospital.
I will say no more; my mom has asked that I do not.
Overworked; more AP comp sci.
Ran to relieve myself; 7:25 for 5 miles
More AP comp sci.
Logan made dinner; tacos.
Dinner kinda sucked; I got attacked; Lainey and Ginny.
I broke a dish(accident); I slammed a cutting board(on purpose).
I am very unhappy.
Lots of work; family was a lil mean; fear for my parents.
I don’t want my mom to get hurt.
Went on a walk and called Jue Jue.
Moved sticks and talked to her and Shun.
Watched our nightly show.
Finished the cake with Logan.
Worked on AP Comp Sci for a hot second.
Called Jue Jue.

Cleaned Bathroom.
Showered.
Drove to Jue Jue’s.
6 feet under.
A dream of a letter.
Some veggie dinner.
Colored pencil shower.
Call with Jue Jue.

Friday; mom has her day shift at the hospital.
Egg and guac burritos for breakfast.
After hours of writing a cover letter, resume.
Hours of practicing interviews.
I did the real interview for Lenovo.
It felt good.
Jue Jue had another empty avocado.
Raced; 11:14; 2 mile :(.
Ate in the cul-de-sac with David’s family.
Brawlhalla with Gabo, Paolo, Diogo, Marcos, and many more.
Late call with Jue Jue.
Disco Pants.

Tatum’s Birthday!
Did my work all before 11:30.
Practiced for Lenovo interview for a couple hours.
Drove to Mcdougle to celebrate.
First time seeing friends in 4 and a half weeks; more than a month.
We socially distanced; some better than others; no contact at all.
Wished Tatum a happy birthday and talked for a hour in the sun.
Everyone left, except Lola, Zoe, and I.
Walked on the middle school track for an hour and a half.
Talked.
I worry for trinity.
Talked with Julian and Jue Jue.

Easter.
Mom woke me up early.
We ate hella candy; called Ampa.
Cooked pizza and worked on essay that was due tonight.
4 D&D one shot.
Online it was carnage; good time tho.
Finished essay.
Green Mile; didn’t love it.
We calling Jue Jue every night baby.

Worked on AP Comp Sci Explore Task.
Ran; worked.
Call with friends; Joe Exotic.
Cooked dinner; chicken parmesan.
Watched Reservoir Dogs.
League with some people.
Call with Jue Jue.

Didn’t get out of bed till 10:00.
Exhausted; almost took a nap.
Circumnavigated a lot of education today.
Double egg and some meat I seared sandwich.
35 second call with Jue Jue.
Can’t get a S with Kled; kill me.

The first minutes of today were wonderful.
The last minutes were just as surreal.

Didn’t get much work done.
Recovering from the 6th; Squid.

Woke up to spam from Jue Jue not sleeping a wink.
Email Poems with Jue Jue.
Started AP explore task; barely.
Call with Julian and Jue Jue.
Long train track walk; on call.
Sad episode of Tiger King.
Call with Jue Jue.

Ethan is the best
He passes every test
I hope to see him
Not only in chem
But in a laser tag game
Because it’s not lame 🙂

Just an ass day.
Worked all day on Lenovo Internship cover letter and resume.
It was hell; probably get corona’d anyway.
Vala’s birthday; we had a cul-de-sac potluck; 6 feet apart.
Logan made a cake for our family bc we can’t share food.
I am exhausted.
Currently 11:14; on call with Jue Jue[The Best].

My friend moved back from California after 7 months 3 weeks ago.
I saw her once before quarantine; that sucks ass for her.
Finished english hw today; even though its a saturday.
The days of the week have almost no meaning at this point.
7 friends got in a big face time call and I was very happy.
Didn’t get to call Jue Jue last night, but will again tonight.

Bedtime Stories

School work isn’t to bad.
Stress is present due to a internship sign up, and my Comp Sci AP project.
Running; yard work.

First day of online school.
As long as I do the little bit of work it will be a breeze.
Lots of people didn’t do the work.
Yard work; mulch.
Long walk on train tracks; no sweet caroline.
We watched Shrek the third.
Played league; on call with Jue Jue and Julian.

Tomorrow is the first day of school; online school.
Its unclear how much work it’ll really be.
I hope to steam ahead.
I drove a stick today; finally got good enough to go on the road.
Call with Jue Jue and Julian.
People are hoeing right now.
Played video games and ran.

Did yard work; axed a shrubbery.
Call with Julian and Jue Jue.
Mtg cube.

People are angry at those who are still going out.
Few are tho.

Kinda trying for a internship.
Ran.
Did yard work.
I was okay all day but now I’m crushed.
I’m feeling just so lonely and isolated.
I have no will or drive.
Some of my friends hung out today but in pairs.
Leaves me sad bro.
I want to find love.
The last one kinda unrelated.
I cut a couple Little Birds outta my life today.
There shallow existence masked a void that is here anew.
Maybe I’ll be able to hang out with people, but my moms a doctor and works at a hospital so she’s a risk.
Empty.
This shit sucks.

To sit in solemn silence on a dull dark dock in a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock awaiting the.

We did nothing today; so unproductive.
Have plenty of spaghetti tho.
Wait no, more like: disappointment.
Watch twelve.

Woke up and actually did some work; civics.
Cleaned.
Did some paperwork so I can take APUSH online at Wake or Duke.
Called some people.
Played League with Milo and Dad.
8 days ago I could have asked to get my ears pierced; I didn’t.
Don’t think I would have gotten them anyway with Corona and all.
Not sure if I want them.
Ran a great workout with Jakob and Braxton.
Watched Shrek.
It’s so good.
Shrek is love; Shrek is life.
Called some people; little minecraft.
Might actually go to bed before midnight tonight.

I have a lot of time.
Completely cleaned and moved into my bed room; it finally looks like I live here.
Only took 14 years of living in the house.
Went on a 2 hour walk.
Drove with dad to Indian market and Target to scrounge up scraps of food.
Between this and our previous stockpile were set for a bit.
I can’t imagine what other families are doing.
Played league of legends with Dad, Milo, and Wess.
Another girl I’ve never met said she loved me but she was joking.
Splinter Hera has gone of the rails; 12 threats and courage threats.

Richard Burr, a NC state senator told us not to worry.
Meanwhile he sold 1.6 million in stocks; told those around him.
I wanna go into politics so I can curbstomp this man.
My dads writing him letters everyday now.
Insider trading things.
People are stealing masks from the hospitals.
Im sad bc im kinda lonely.
People are worried.
I went to dnd tho.
People are getting really horny and weird.
Still done no class work.
I’m just kinda tired and miss people; i’ve been going to bed way to late.
Cogan is going to send me his beats.

Still haven’t done any school work.
Might hang out with people tomorrow: Friday.
Owen asked if I’d had sex with dudes.
So I came out to Ryan Z and Jakob; Owen and Emil already knew.
It went really well; they ‘congratulated me’.
They might think I’m gay tho.
I ran a 5:05 mile on pumpkin!
Very chill and lonely.
PotUS keeps calling it the Chinese Flu; fuck-o.

Mom came back from work at the hospital.
Parents are leveling up our quarantine.
People are getting loney and sliding into my dms; i’m not interested.
Lotta minecraft; ran.

After quite a break I’m back.
This is the Tuesday after school closed.
The administration is blundering.
Some people are super worried others are chillin.
I’ve hung out with HELLA people; im vibing.
I’ve eaten pizza the last 4 days.
Thursday: Track meet; day started super chill
Panic built; school was cancelled in the evening.
Friday: School was a husk; looked at a presentation.
Played magic at Paolo’s.
Saturday: Break started; cleaned.
Went to Zoe’s for her back to NC sleepover.
Sunday: Ate cinnamon roll at Zoe’s.
Went to DnD; Nate’s mom birthday desserts.
Monday: Mystery Booster box draft; Corona minecraft server!!!
Call was nice.

It’s been a vibe.

Woke up to my mom telling me I’d lost and hour.
Hw & memorization.
Work; so slow.
Cleaned for 5 hours.
Kinda hw.
Might wear the crop top tomorrow?

Something happened at 3 am.
Woke up at 7:30.
Drove to TSA an hour early.
Meandered past Leyla and Lola; hella cops.
Returned to TSA; good work.
China Wok.
Picked up Julian.
Parked at Hickory; scarfed down sesame chicken.
Weaver; Max and VI.
Shy on roof.
Met Rio and Mackie.
Parking deck; skittle_milk.
Gawked at in crop top.
The Whistler plays piano.
Tar heel store.
Study lines.

Hera: a poor choice waiting to happen; current me won’t tell future me to stop.
Samsa: who knows; who cares.
Bogle: we’ll figure it out; patience.
Sweet Caroline: just meh I guess.

Braces? OFF.
Teeth? Smooth.
Hotel? Trivago.
Came to school last 10 minutes of 3rd.
Mostly fixed with Krista; patience.
Hera.
Ran; how does Cogan not get im bi.
Might mess around and swag bitch this weekend.

Fuck the third quarter.
Cried today; not why you think though.

Krista’s Story:
She’ll probably be unhappy to learn I posted this.
But if she’s gonna slander and hurt me; I’m going to write out my feelings.
That’s why this is here.
I would say this is libel, but I’ll be being honest.
So; Krista and I are rather physical.
About 2 weeks ago I just wanted to make sure that was cool and all.
It’s 2020, consent is important; I’m not trying to catch a case.
I just want her to be comfortable and happy.
So I ask; she has trouble giving a straight answer.
Eventually I tell her I have to stop bc I need a clear and definite yes.
2 days of fighting and she finally yes.
I wasn’t looking for consent or pressuring her, I just wanted one clear answer, whatever it may be.
Few days later; new week.
I ask Julian to get the scoop; bad on me, but i’m glad I did.
He talks to her; she paints our relationship as one sided.
I know there might be societal pressure or emotional hurt, but she’s making me come of as a creep.
More importantly, it hurts my feelings; like she’s ashamed to associate with me.
I told her both these things.
I come of as a predator, or like you don’t care about me.
I understand that’s not how she feels.
I don’t want a relationship is a with a frozen pushpin.
I don’t know how many people she’s told this to; I used to trust her.
Unfortunately, to protect herself she’s really hurting me.
Its selfish.
Its hurtful.
I don’t want that in my life.
All she needs to tell people is that we’re good friends.
She can’t bring herself to say that; then I can’t bring myself to hold up my end of this seesaw relationship.
At this point, I don’t want to lose her as a friend; I love her.
She’s being selfish; we both aren’t being empathetic enough.
I’m here to vibe; she’s really emotionally hurting me.

Two final nails in the coffin that I can’t expose her for but ought to remember:
All that cake.
Unloved tenant.

Mom’s Story:
I love my mom.
This is why I cried.
Krista clearly played a roll in it.
I just haven’t had a conversation with my mom that hasn’t been about grades or volunteering in so long.
It made me sad.
So I cried; we talked.
I love my family.
Although this is the shorter story it is the sweeter, and ultimately more important one.
No matter what happens, my family has my back forever.


Lola’s birthday tomorrow.
Braces off in 2 days.

Sen Triplets.
Dropped a lollipop on the ground.
Bogel is beyond inconsistent.
English seminar.
Super hard run.
Teen Court; so much fun.
Almost no hw; that i’m doing anyway.
Where are my pants?

Woke up; Homework.
Work.
Listened to Mason, a 40 year old, talk about how he’s been grabbing men’s asses for forever, but not the wrong way.
We makin ca$h.
Couldn’t hang out with krista :((.
Drove to CVS; very good use of money.
Call with the J’s.

Woke up off a crispy 6 hours of sleep.
Ate a bunch.
Went to volunteer at next tech.
V I B E.
I love talking; got internships for CTE program.
Came back and blitzed to Nate’s to play Commander.
“That’s an accurate representation of my week: Chinua Achebe and nasal decongestants.“
Pho.
Saul Goodman.
Call with Jue Jue and Julian.

Imma Cowboy babyyy.
Red Shirt; many red shirts.
Super long chem test.
Little chain; feelings circle.
Fire Drill in civics.
Bogle is back online.
Did nothing in English.
FNM; commander night.
Late night call with Jue Jue.
4 but actually 3, but really 2 but in reality 0; maybe 1?

Chem do be a thing.
Play run through.
Lola is a belle.
Penis with Lucas GA; Civics.
Krista got me all kinds of fucked up.
She do not be realizing how bad it is.
Heart to heart wild convo with Lucas GA; English.
Legs? In agony.
Ran with Yichen.
We a flirt.
$15.

Woke up at 6.
Who the fuck knows what I’m doing.
Lola spin dance :S.
Quentin.
Krista is a whole ass roller coaster; my whole thing is that I can read people??
Abs.

Update: Fought Bogle, so now I’m going to bed sad.

Juniors took the ACT.
70 minute classes.
Math was mid.
Chem was fun.
Theatre we painted.
I do not vibe with those in my civics class.
There are a few exceptions to the statement above.
Track went sicko.
3 mile warm up to Anderson Park for hill sprints.
Drove to Krista’s.
We did math, but did we?
Now we got late night HW.

First real day back to track.
TSA meeting.
Deviled eggs tho.
Angel drove me to film premiere.
Oli’s made me want to smash a face in.
That one about Julian getting eaten was sooo good.
Angel almost killed me on the way back.
RTTTTTTTTTT.

Study for CDM.
Take Earth Science CDM.
Went home; immediately went to Tatums.
Lola, Vock, Tatum, me.
ABSOLUTE VIBE!
Dog tushy; milo penis.
Ft with Jue Jue ;).
Pantalones.
What is Putin’s last name.

Study for the earth science CDM.
Magic.
Raul.
Study for the earth science CDM.

NO SCHOOL.
Little snow.
Snow day get together.
Sex Annie.
Minecraft with the ladies.
Call with Julian and Jue Jue.
Bro I cried.
People cried.
It’s been 13 months.
Hera is a bitch; Ethan, don’t forget that.
Stayed up hella late; Triangle of Truth.

Forgot to post.
Played League with Milo and Dad.

Woke up early to finish sleep study.
Leyla was at school.
Started to block.
Mia gave Lola and I bunnies.
Mia gave me a crop top; I LOVE IT.
Won’t wear it tho; I don’t wanna get jumped.
Drove for an hour tonight.
Got lost; I’m a bot.
Passion Marlon Bundo; Whole Paycheck.
I hope it makes her happy.

My sleep; wack.
Krista; wack :).
Math Daddy; WACK.
Called the page program.
Readthrough.
Hw dumpstered me.
Moral infringement on my part.
Sophia failed her timer pic.
nate is worth an 8th of a goat.
Gotta wake up early for sleep study.

Woke up early again; this sleep study is hurting my sleep.
Did homework.
Went to Work.
Did homework.
A God Walks into Abar.
Shawty bad with the skechers on.

Bro, its only Saturday?
Feels like I’ve done so much.
I got hella hw tho.
Finally got to bed at 1:00.
Woke up at 7:00; because fuck me in particular.
Drove to Harris Teeter; needed food for the- gender neutral use of the word– lads.
Drove to DnD; Ian suicided.
Drove back; Krista arrived.
Vibed with LotR.
Krista was <>.
Jue Jue went Queen of Hotness vibes.
Lola and Annie are precious.
Whitby is Julian’s whoe.
Imma hit the hay

Just pulling through for the weekend and FNM.
Blue eyeshadow; Mia.
FNM.
Added Lip on snap; she is a person.

Woke up at 7:17.
Opened my phone to texts asking I wanted to go to Franklin before school.
Delayed opening; got to the church by 8:05.
Vibed; metal swing.
Split check at Elmos; no Lola.

Preformed ‘Courage’.
David.
Walked Lola to Annie; saw Sophia.
My ear go [_].
Mr. Riss bro.
Want to bleach a pair of jeans.
Delayed opening tomorrow.

Woke up at 6:15; went to duke for sleep study.
Theatre was a time.
Watching LotR with Jue Jue and the lads Saturday?
At 5:10 Angel called me and asked if I wanted to see Mean Girls at DPAC.
Saw Mean Girls at DPAC!
10/10; got home at 11:10.

Math teacher yeeted :'( or maybe :).
Riss clowned on me; exposed sharing.
HER. was a bit more alive.
So much coding; ugh.
English teacher tried to explain guilt to me.
Why does Apathy look like an anime girl; she doesn’t look real.
The blush; it makes me dislike the parts of myself I can’t directly control.

I don’t know.

Edit: it’s been 30 minutes.
I don’t care; Apathy do not matter.
Men; HER.?

Why am I waking up early.
Still Sicko.
DnD.
Squids <3.

Sicko.
Ms. C’s play; Jungal Book.
Set was amazing.
Krista.
I’m everywhere.
Cut cardboard for bleach.

Absolutely insane.

5:00; wake up to prepare for TSA regionals.
5:50; School is delayed.
605; At Mcdougle; Regionals is called off.
6:20; Cram for test and do hw.
Later; School is cancelled; wind.

A beautiful day.

Drove to Julian’s; swung by Arby’s on the way to Tatums.
Toe bump.
Some of the worst driving I’ve ever done.
Pulled up to Mackie’s and Leyla’s; didn’t say hi.
Went to FNM; Julian, Gabo, Paolo, Nate.
I’m sick; Nate got high.
Told Mia I had Japanese Encephalitis and Chlamydia.

No need for spaghetti.

“Never Boring”

*Ethan blows nose while looking a Riss*
Riss: Why are you looking at me?
Ethan: I read an article that said eye contact is important.
Girl: When blowing your nose??
Ethan: No just blowing in general.
Riss: WATCH IT!

I love myself.

There was rain; 2 hour early dismissal.
Vibed with Krista.
After School played magic with Gabo.
Going to do TSA leap now; for tomorrow.

Missed this day.

Still in that pseudo-funk.
I feel bad for Apathy; but at the same time what the fuck?
To many people are looking at this.
I don’t care but it my honesty has collateral.
I love running; won a set of Magic-5s.
Julian gets a mention for being a paragon of sanity,
I regret my preferences.
I will never compromise myself.

“A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth.”

Woke up early; stayed in bed.
Ava is chill; not nice tho.
Riss roasted me.
Who the hell knows what’s going on in Mia’s head.
In stasis.
I pissed in a bottle at lunch.
I love Krista.

Sophia seems beyond cool; and shy.
I can’t tell how she feels; very hot and cold.

Homework.
Pizza boy.
Superbowl.

Ideal day.
Waffles.
Ran; not fast; prepared poorly.
Mile; east; no Joan.
Rush to DnD.
“T-5755 but you can call me Caustic”
Sicko Mode afterwards.
Condoms.
Krista!
PTA thrift; crinkly cloud hoodie.
Booths and white people at Dillo.
Bad rap; dancing; friendship bracelets.

A VIBE.

Very happy.
Word oopsie.
Friday nights are for the lads.
Paolo is a good christian lad.
Nate.

“But I say that you, with both your eyes are blind”
I don’t feel bad, just a little regretful and unconvinced.
I had finally started to catch feelings on Monday.
I appreciate this website so I can see exactly how I feel each day.
I knew this was probable; didn’t expect the exact way.
That threw me off slightly; but as she started I knew.
I wish she hadn’t kissed me a lunch.

I feel mixed about putting this in a public place.
But this was how my lifeline was designed.
I won’t blacklist anyone; she has the right to know how I feel.

I know I’ve written codes into a couple of the past posts.
I looked back.
I just wasted time; I put in work to start liking her.
It took time; I think it was day three where I wrote a song about not liking her.
I had started.
I knew why she started liking me, I knew it wasn’t genuine.
Titan: lil samsa

I won’t lie; it hurt.
It ruined my 6th period.
Now I just regret my own choices.
Titan: 1/22/2020

My parents called it.
This is learning; mostly about myself.
I can’t be mad at her; I knew everything going in.
I chose this.

I actually like Chenoah as a person a lot.
People get so weird about this; Chenoah wasn’t to bad.
Why was Mia crying?

Lola gets her first mention:
I wish she had told me.

**I refuse to edit my past posts, no matter how unfortunate they are. This was the way my lifeline was made.

I feel so good running.
I feel so bad doing my hw.
Mia looked so cute today.
Titan: Revel color ears, dancer brillo

fuq.

We have a math teacher again.
Chem lab shenanigans.
Chem sub was awesome.
“Grakk felt a little warm and fuzzy inside.”
Happy.
I’m kinda fast tho; magic fives; 4 of em.

Woke up at 6 to pack.
Got back from Snow Shoe.
Drove to Mia’s.
Huddled in the rain; abandoned farm.
Shit hit different.
10/3 would recommend.

Away skiing.

Away skiing.

Away skiing.

Orthodontist.
6 weeks left.
Nap time in Theatre.
Packed.

The fit was wack; happy.
Lunch ended in hellfire.
Revel: Tic Tac Toe
TSA work now.

Just kinda– not really happy in general.
Need spaghetti, but then I won’t learn.
Prolly temporary.

Tuesday; back to school; thanks MLK.
Mia was quiet; got better.
Kinda Vibing.
Little hw.

Homework.
Homework.
Magic Fives; fast boi hours.
Date with Mia; cold.
2 straws 1 cup.
Mid.
Homework.

Clean.
Brunch with Nate and the family.
Work. Pizza boy.
Dumplings with Atli and the family: Trevor, Jon, Leala.
Late night League; Milo and Dad.

Lifeline starts.
Watched Rumors with Mia <3 – good play.
Selfie with Oliver.

The world got a little bit better.